After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
called a "gripe sheet,"which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it
said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an
S) by maintenance
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
P: Left inside
main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce
problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume
set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last:
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
-LITTLE JOHHNY XX
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks
you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little
Johnny? "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
-LITTLE JOHHNY XXI
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he
asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?"
asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
-LITTLE JOHHNY XXII
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred
a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So she asked her class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's
in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I
know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The
teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he
knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ,
are you still in there?!"
-LITTLE JOHHNY XXIII
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What
are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
-LITTLE JOHHNY XXIV
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in
the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in
the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded,
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going have a wife."
-LITTLE JOHHNY XXV
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked
to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was
the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked,
"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
-LITTLE JOHHNY XXVI
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.
asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny was even madder than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask
not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".
said, "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to any of the
Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
-LITTLE JOHHNY XXVII
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that
they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can
both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old
enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about
60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment
trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one
more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
-LITTLE JOHHNY XXVIII
Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and his friend went outside to play in the snow.
After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves. Johnny's friend's
mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her
son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes." She then put them together
and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes."
Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn. His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied,
"Yes." So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands
were "warm yet" and he said "yes." So she took them out. Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin on his face. When
the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied "My ears are cold too!"
-LITTLE JOHHNY XXIX
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get
the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see
Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
-LITTLE JOHHNY XXX
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool,"
said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Eddy what is your problem?" Eddy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in
the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough.
She took Eddy to the principal's office.
While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Eddy can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Eddy both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Eddy, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Eddy replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Eddy was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Eddy: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Eddy: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten